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older | Ask MetaFilter Help with post-divorce dating for a man in his 50s. Tips? Books? Other? August 21, 2021 5:48 AM Subscribe. I'm a 53-year-pld man going through the breakup of my marriage. I'm starting to date again. Help with post-divorce dating for a man in his 50s. Tips? Books? Other? August 21, 2021 5:48 AM Subscribe. I'm a 53-year-pld man going through the breakup of my marriage. I'm starting to date again. It's exciting and daunting and confusing! I'm looking to marshal up resources and ideas. Do you have some advice you can share? Something you with you'd known? I'm especially interested in any book(s) you can recommend. Most of the books I've seen on dating, or even dating-after-a-divorce are for younger people. Most of the books I've seen on dating in your 50's" are specifically for women. Trying to find some resources that match who I am and where I'm at: 53, cis-man, straight. (Also parent of a little kid, which is its own thing. ) The most important piece of advice I can offer is not to date until you have spent some time on your own, and especially not while you are still married. It's hard at first, but if you can find peace with yourself and get to know yourself as a single, autonomous person, you will have a far better chance of being and finding a good partner in a future relationship. posted by Dolley at 6:28 AM on August 21, 2021 [48 favorites] Unpacking the piece about being a parent also seems as important as figuring out how to date as someone in his 50s. This will likely be the biggest question for potential dates, more than your age. What kind of parent do you want to be through this process? For me, dating when I had a small child was complex and often challenging. Lots of folks stayed away because of it, and navigating how and when my kid would interact with my dates was a hard process. I read various books more focused on the parenting part than the dating part, none that stood out especially unfortunately. posted by latkes at 7:48 AM on August 21, 2021. Lots of late 40s / early 50s divorced guys in my circles. Most of the below is learned by negative example, alas: * Keep your divorce legal stuff to yourself for now, and don't get serious before that stuff is done. * Decide if you are willing to have more kids. It is the fundamental dividing line in your dating pool. * Assume women in their 20s and early 30s don't want to date you. If that's of interest to you, they will come to you, or not, and you have to accept. * Don't try to pretend you're young again but also don't be 53 going on 65, no woman of any age wants either of those things. So do a modest, tasteful shape up of hair, wardrobe, and physique, and emphasize hobbies and fandoms that are neither nostalgic nor grossly age-inappropriate. * While you will have to use apps, you will also find you are getting dating introductions at a level you never experienced as a younger single guy. The introductions can be overwhelming if you are a conventional good catch (money, not decrepit-looking). You are going to have to be willing to say "no" to introductions that don't suit what you are looking for. posted by MattD at 7:57 AM on August 21, 2021 [16 favorites] Wait. Seconding Dolley. Someone who is dating while still technically not-yet-divorced is . suspect. With your young child in the mix, too, I'd expect all your time to be allocated, even if you don't have custody at the moment. posted by amtho at 8:13 AM on August 21, 2021 [8 favorites] Don’t even think about getting into a relationship until you’ve been divorced for at least a year. According to several of the men I dated, they were shocked at how many women in their fifties were trying to drag them into bed right away. They were all in agreement that these women were to be avoided because they were full of drama. There tends to be a lot less game playing at this age. If you like her, contact her the next day. Don’t worry about playing hard to get, ain’t nobody got time for that. But don’t be surprised if she contacts you first. Pretty much everyone is broken by the time they’re in their fifties - physically and mentally. Everyone has some sort of family problem that they have to deal with from time to time. The key is to be aware that you’re broken, and find someone whose broken parts work well with your broken parts. I had a lot of problems with men who claimed to have “an occasion drink”, who turned out to be full fledged alcoholics. I don’t know if the same is true of women. Remember how old you are, and remember that 30 year old women are not even a little bit interested in you. You’re a “creepy old grandpa” to them. If they try to insist different, they’re looking for a sugar daddy. Don’t be flattered into thinking they really are just “attracted to older men.” Honestly, for the most part, dating isn’t that different now if you’re dating people in your age group. You all grew up at the same time with the same expectations about dating. posted by MexicanYenta at 8:17 AM on August 21, 2021 [10 favorites] If you try online dating, I considered men only interested in women who couldn’t even be a year older than they were a huge red flag. And it was seriously 95% of all men out there. To me, it said a lot about how they viewed gender in relationships, and what it said was not good. And yeah, don’t talk about your divorce or complain about your ex-wife and especially don’t complain about child support or being expected to act like a parent. Any woman worth being with will consider commitment to your child a good thing. posted by FencingGal at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2021 [30 favorites] There tends to be a lot less game playing at this age.
